


kissing a guy

by idkspookystuff



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Big Dick Madej, Bisexual Crisis, Dirty Talk, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Light Angst, M/M, Making Out, Multi, Pining, Polyamory, Recreational Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:35:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27716891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkspookystuff/pseuds/idkspookystuff
Summary: “What?” Ryan asks. And then, when his brain gets back online a little more, “no, not. Shane. You’ve kissed a guy?”orryan's straight crush isn't so straight and everyone acts like it isn't a big deal when it is, in fact, a big fucking deal.
Relationships: Adam Bianchi/Andrew Ilnyckyj/Steven Lim, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 20
Kudos: 109
Collections: The Shyan Shipping Society Writing Challenge - november 2020





	kissing a guy

**Author's Note:**

> hello!
> 
> many things to say. i wrote this for the shyan shipping society's [november challenge!](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/shippingsocietyworksnov20) big thanks to everyone there for keeping me right, and to melita for beta reading this monstrosity for me. thank you also to [josie](https://twitter.com/moritztiefel) for workshopping this idea with me even though she doesn't know jackshit about this fandom.
> 
> finally, thank you so much to all of you for reading! i hope you enjoy the vaguely porny feelings dump.
> 
> [-is](https://twitter.com/rosegoldphil)

Ryan’s night flashes by in a blur.

Sitting around a table in a bar with the Watcher crew, celebrating life and success and, most importantly, Halloween. Shane’s longass hair flopping charmingly in his face when he gave Ryan a smile as they cheers’d, the very gentle way their glasses  _ clinked _ together. Teej rolling his eyes as Shane and Ryan got progressively drunker. Everyone leaving but Shane, Ryan and Steven. Andrew and Adam showing up to pick Steven up, but opting instead to stay to watch Shane and Ryan dance to  _ Thriller _ like idiots. The way Shane’s hand would occasionally brush against his as they bounced to the music. Steven grabbing his arm and pulling him back to the table, where Andrew, who had somehow acquired enough shots to give any adult man alcohol poisoning, said, “Never have I ever?”

Needless to say, most of the night is lost to a drunken stupor that somehow becomes a lot clearer when Steven, with only two fingers down and possibly the most sober of all of them despite the fact that his boyfriends got there no more than 45 minutes ago says, “Never have I ever  _ not _ kissed a guy.”

Ryan feels his face heat up and, for the first time in his life he’s thankful for Asian flush. Steven leans his head against Andrew’s shoulder and Adam wraps an arm around Steven’s waist to support them: they all look stupidly cocky. The past three rounds have gone Andrew (“never have I ever gone more than a month without eating truffle”) Adam (“never have I ever been monogamous”) and now Steven, unfairly targeting both he and Shane.

“This is so unfair,” Ryan says. Steven laughs out something that sounds like, “rules are rules, baby!” as Ryan drops his last finger and takes a shot.

The not kissing a guy thing isn’t for lack of trying, mind you. Ryan’s bisexual awakening happened late, at 26, when one day Shane passed him a cup of coffee and their fingers brushed together and ‘ _ oh shit, I like men _ ’ went through him like a lightning bolt. He always thought a big gay awakening would be, well,  _ bigger _ . But no. It was a brush of fingers and a cup of coffee and Shane. Shane, who still has one finger up. Shane, who hasn’t taken a shot yet.

Oh  _ shit _ .

“You kissed a guy?!” 

It occurs to Ryan just a moment too late that the others have probably moved on from the conversation. Everyone turns to him in synch and Adam starts, “well, I am dating Andrew and Steven.”

“What?” Ryan asks. And then, when his brain gets back online a little more, “no, not. Shane. You’ve kissed a guy?”

Shane laughs, but his smile doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Uh, yes?” he says, like it's obvious when it’s  _ obviously not _ .

“When?” Ryan asks.

Shane sips his drink. “Uh, like three years ago was the last time, I guess.”

The last time. Like there’s been more than one time. “The last time?”

“Yeah, when I was dating Aaron,” Shane adds.

Ryan racks his brain. Three years ago, Shane had off-handedly mentioned a partner a few times. He and Erin were going to watch Wall-E again, so he had to stock up on tissues. Shane and Erin had been to a cute Mexican restaurant. He was leaving work early to go meet Erin for their anniversary. “Erin?” Ryan asks.

“Aaron,” Shane answers. “A-a-r-o-n.”

Ryan’s still trying to process that Shane, who up until a few minutes ago was straight in Ryan’s mind, at one point had a long-term boyfriend when Steven says, “the tanned muscly guy who came into the Buzzfeed offices sometimes.”

Ryan turns to the couple, who have separated from their three-way cuddle and who are currently giving Ryan looks that are a perfect mixture between confusion as to how Ryan could have  _ not _ known his best friend was queer and warning that he better not be a straight asshole about this. “You guys knew about this?”

Shane sighs, and even though Ryan’s not looking at him, he can practically feel the eyeroll. This is for sure the weirdest Halloween he’s ever had, and he’s a professional ghost hunter. “I’m bi, Ryan. It’s not a big deal.”

Ryan has a lot of questions, but Andrew and Adam’s gaze burrows into his skull and so he slumps down in the booth and says, “sorry.” He may be pouting, but he’s too drunk and mind-fucked to care.

There’s a long awkward pause. “So anyway,” Steven offers. “Adam was telling me about-”

“It is kind of a big deal, though,” Ryan interrupts.

Shane turns to face him. Slumped down in the chair like Ryan is, Shane looks kind of impossibly big. “It’s really not.” And then, when Ryan just blankly stares, Shane says, “kiss me.”

Ryan’s brain really and truly does short circuit. “Fucking  _ huh _ ?”

Shane’s lips twitch into a smile. “If your first gay kiss is such a big thing for you, then kiss me. You’ll get it out of the way and then you can impress all your straight friends with how progressive you are.” Ryan must stare at him for a minute too long, because Shane adds, “only if you want to. Obviously.”

Ryan weighs it up. On the one hand, kissing a guy he has a crush on is a bad idea. No one who’s ever craved chocolate is happy with a little taste. He’ll end up wanting even more. And it isn’t fair to Shane, either. Shane thinks he’s helping a straight bro. Maybe he wouldn’t want to do it if he knew the truth.

On the other hand, Shane’s waiting for an answer, and Ryan’s never backed down from a challenge. Shane says, “Ryan-” and then he never gets to finish his thought because Ryan kisses him.

It’s so different. Shane’s stubble rubs against Ryan’s jaw, his lips are a little chapped, he smells like beer and his face is so distinctly masculine that Ryan can’t really get enough of it. Shane sucks in a breath through his nose and then he’s kissing back and, oh wow, that’s so much better. Ryan gets in close, can smell Shane’s cologne, knows it’s going to linger on his clothes.

It feels like hours but it’s realistically only a couple of seconds until they separate. Shane moves back a bit, laughs softly, and smiles down at Ryan. “Well,” he says. He clears his throat and turns back to the other members of their party, who are openly staring at them. “See? Not a big deal.”

*

Ryan walks home alone.

It’s around 5 in the morning as he walks past poor workers taking down the last of the Halloween decorations. The streets are otherwise empty, and it’s kind of eerie. For once, though, the eerie feeling in his stomach is the last of his worries.

What the fuck was that? Why did Shane offer to kiss him? Is this a cruel joke by a god who Ryan didn’t pray enough to? Maybe he’ll get murdered by the Chupacabra tonight and they’ll find his body among abandoned purple and orange streamers and broken pieces of candy. Steven, Andrew and Adam will gather around at his funeral and say, “remember when he kissed Shane? That was weird, huh?”

Or maybe.

Ryan barely lets himself hold out hope. But maybe Shane wanted Ryan to kiss him. Maybe his unrequited feelings aren’t so unrequited after all. 

When he gets home (and texts Steven that he’s safe, because Steven is a mom friend who requests safety texts), his phone immediately lights up with a Facetime request from Steven.

“Hey,” Ryan says when he answers.

“Hey,” Steven said. He looks comfy, in a baggy hoodie, his hair a mess, his glasses perched low on his nose. “Are you okay? You seemed kind of out of it when we left.”

“I’m fine,” Ryan answers. He shrugs his coat off and adds, “I told you I made it home safely, didn’t I?”

Steven sighs. “You know that’s not what I mean,” he says, because somehow, Steven has some kind of weirdly supernatural ability to call Ryan on his shit. 

Andrew says something that Ryan can’t quite make out in the background, and Steven turns to him to say, “in a minute.” When he turns back to Ryan, he looks concerned. “You can talk to me about things. You know that, don’t you, Ryan?”

And the thing is, he does. He loves Steven with his whole heart, and he always gives amazing advice. But he really doubts Steven has much to say about what to do when you gay panic and “no-homo” kiss your years-long crush. “I do,” Ryan answers anyway. 

Andrew comes up behind Steven and rests his head on Steven’s shoulder. Ryan feels his heart pound in his chest. That’s what he wants. He wants to be in an apartment after a long night out, to get ready for bed, and to get to be all comfortable and open and loved with someone. “Love you, Ryan. Try to get some sleep,” Steven says. 

“I will,” Ryan replies. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Steven answers. “Text me if you need me. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Ryan,” Andrew says, and Adam adds “night!” from the background.

Andrew, Adam and Steven go to bed together.

Ryan goes to bed alone.

*

Ryan wakes up way too early to the sound of his front door slamming.

The first thing he registers is pain, because he drank way too much the night before (he’s an old man that drinks like a college freshman) and because he slept on his shoulder weird. None of that matters, though, when a jolt of fear goes through his entire body. There are only a few people who have a key to his apartment, and none of them have a reason to be there at, he checks the time, 8:30AM,  _ Jesus _ .

He sits up and looks around his bedroom. There’s really nothing that can constitute a weapon. He grabs his pillow as a last ditch effort, figures he can at least suffocate the guy if he can get him to the ground. He’s only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of boxers but maybe that’s retribution too. If he survives these twenty-four hours, he really should go to church.

“Ryan!” Shane calls from the hallway, and Ryan’s entire plan shifts.

Okay, so not a home invader. Shane. Who has a key to his apartment, so that makes sense at least.

“Shane?” Ryan asks. 

He crosses the corner into his kitchen, where he finds Shane pacing across the small room. “You!” Shane says when he catches Ryan’s eye. He wags an accusatory finger in Ryan’s direction. “You,” he says again, “you are so stupid!”

Shane looks a little manic. “Huh?” Ryan asks, which is the most eloquent he can be at 8 in the morning. “Why are you in my apartment?”

Shane runs a hand through his hair. It’s messy, like he hasn’t slept at all. “Of course, of  _ course _ , you would hide your repressed sexuality in a no homo moment! God, I feel like I’m living in a bad frat porno.” He looks towards the ceiling and calls, “do you think this is funny, you asshole?”

Ryan feels himself shaking, his brain stuck on ‘ _ repressed sexuality _ ’. He could deny it, but Shane can always see right through him. Instead he asks, “who told you?”

“Who told me?” Shane asks. “No one had to tell me. I could see it in your big, dumb brown eyes.” He crosses the kitchen in a few big steps and cups Ryan’s face in his hands. “God you’re-” he cuts himself off and then asks, “can I kiss you?”

Ryan’s still a lot hungover. His breath probably smells like death and he’s suddenly very aware that there’s drool drying on his chin. Shane doesn’t look like he’s in a much better state, but he’s still so beautiful that Ryan has no choice but to surge up and connect their lips.

It’s  _ so much _ better than the last time. Without Steven, Andrew and Adam’s eyes on them, everything feels so intimate and personal and brand new. Shane puts his hands on either side of Ryan’s jaw, like he’s afraid Ryan will slip out of his grasp. Ryan moves in close and shoves Shane backwards towards the wall. Shane lets out a soft “oof” when he hits the wall, but then neither of them speak as they kiss and kiss and kiss.

Ryan gets his hands under Shane’s shirt and Shane’s hands skirt down to Ryan’s ass, squeezes him through his boxers. Ryan gasps at that, paws at Shane’s jeans to get the button undone. He can’t do it while kissing (unfortunately), so he pulls back to frantically undo the button and the zipper and shove them around Shane’s ankles. He gets a hand in Shane’s boxers to jerk him off and finds that Shane’s  _ proportional _ . His cock, big and warm and hard, throbs in Ryan’s hand, and for his first gay experience, Ryan is pretty proud of himself.

Shane uses his height to his advantage and flips them around so that Ryan’s pushed face first against the wall. He grinds against Ryan’s ass and, oh wow, that’s big. He gets a stupid big hand in Ryan’s boxers and squeezes hard. It shoots through Ryan like a lightning bolt and he drops his head against the wall.

“This is exactly how it’s gonna be, Ryan,” Shane growls into Ryan’s ear. “Less clothes, obviously. But you’ll have a hard cock against your ass and a big hand around your cock and my voice in your ear.” He bites the lobe of Ryan’s ear gently and says, “does that sound like a big fucking deal, Ryan?”

Ryan comes in Shane’s hand no problem, panting against the wall. It’s easily the best orgasm he’s ever had, and it’s even better when Shane comes after him. Ryan can feel his cock pulsing against his ass, and Shane’s panting in his ear is an added bonus.

They sink to the floor, weak kneed, limbs tangled and Ryan half on Shane’s lap. Ryan turns to face Shane and then leans forward to kiss Shane, and then kiss him again just because he can. Shane’s face is red and sweaty and his hair is even more of a mess now. He’s, in short, the most ethereal person Ryan’s ever seen in his entire life. 

“How was that?” Shane asks.

Ryan barks out a laugh, at a loss for words for just how perfectly  _ them _ that was. Instead, he kisses Shane again, slow and soft this time, and answers, “a big deal.”


End file.
